Monday, November 30, 2009

For the record

I just want to say in this very public forum that just so you all know I am not one of those people who holds conversations from the toilet stall.

So, if you are my co-worker and want to know if I got your email you will just have to wait until I've finished my number two!

If you are my child and want to know if I will play with you, please dear, give mama some privacy (and dignity) first and close the door!

And if you are my dear spouse and we are having a conversation about the day's events that goes double for you especially if you are the one on the toilet and I happen to be innocently brushing my teeth when you come in to use the facilities. I can wait until you are done to find out what we are having for dinner.

Not lovin' it


I ventured out and tried a new coffee shop this morning. Yes, I am back on caffeine. Your point?

Okay, the cute girl handing out free breakfast bars kinda had something to do with it. Anyway, my point is if you are a new restaurant and you are handing out free coffee to attract new customers can you please make sure it is good coffee and not organic piss water?

This does not make my day start out very happy. And look, I can't even write a sensical blog post. I mean, is sensical even a word?

I feel like I am walking around the office with bedhead because thanks to this experience I am still half asleep!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

While shopping

Elderly female patron growing louder by the moment as she shouts: "Masking tape! I said I need masking tape!"

Bewildered Philipino store clerk at whom she is shouting: "You want Scotch tape?"

Now angry elderly female patron: "Don't you understand English?!"

Me standing in the aisle watching and listening to this scene play out thinking and wanting to say out loud to the bitchy senior: "Perhaps it's Old Racist Biddy she doesn't understand."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Did you know?

You can get mortuary supplies on ebay? In case you are looking to do a little embalming at home.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Multi-use Christmas card sentiment

For all of those you love and love to hate:

"I hope you get what you deserve this holiday season!"

Why I became a lesbian

Reason #581

I am surrounded by pricks all day, I don't need one in my bed at night.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dear CEO

Does it make you feel big to make me feel small?

Nearly Normal

As one of the moms of a 6 year old twin boy and girl who have seen more than their fair share of doctors' and therapists' and psychiatrists' offices in their little lives, I often wonder from the sidelines what it would be like to have a "normal" existence with our kids.

Okay, admittedly a couple of things set our family apart from the get go. First, we are an adoptive family - no less a family than anyone else's - but differently made. And my partner and I are both women, so there are two moms and no dads in this picture.

One of our children struggles with mental health issues and we struggle along with them. It's not easy riding the highs and lows and rationalizing the use of medication on a small child to address this. The other child has a chronic health issue. There have been surgeries, a million tests, specialists galore, x-rays beyond counting, recurring episodes of pneumonia and more pokes and prods than any one person deserves. And still we are figuring out the puzzle of this child.

Being different breeds isolation and it sets us apart. Few people understand what we truly live. We have little familial support so it is all on me and my partner to sort it out and ride it out the best that we can.

Our life is one of ensuring enough food gets into one kid via mouth or a gastric feeding tube and making sure the other is properly medicated each day. We must balance our home lives with our work lives and somehow manage and attend the myriad of appointments required to keep both of the kids ship shape.

Health is one issue. Proper schooling another. Now that they are 6 we have to fight to find the right learning environment for each of them to be sure they get the best opportunity they can to have their special needs met. Not an easy task when they are both on the cusp and therefore not eligible for the funding they truly need to ensure the proper supports are available to them in the classroom.

There are people out there with far worse than us to bear, but it is still not easy being green as the great Kermit the Frog once said.

And then there is the intimate relationship between my partner and I to maintain. Is that even a realistic goal when most of our time spent together is used to trade information and coordination of effort to ensure the kids are doing okay? I know this is what most parents of small children experience but when you throw in all of the other complications and feelings that as a parent you have somehow failed because your children aren't "normal" it is a burden that is sometimes very hard to bear.

When I fall into bed at night, it is not with my partner. It is with a kid who needs all of the loving they can get to ensure they are happy little beings. Bedtime for me means trying to sleep through the night without a kid waking me with one need or another and battling my own demons in those lone early hours when stress and worry come to linger.

People tell us all the time that we are amazing. We are not. We are nearly normal people who are doing what anyone would do for their children if they had to.

Before I was a parent I used to look at parents with other than normal children and think "There is no way I could do that." But you know what? I can and I do because there is no not doing.

At the end of the day, I have two fantastic kids who are strong and brave and loving and smart and as healthy as they can be.

Can't figure them out

Little boys of the six-year-old variety are a constant wonder to me. One minute they are slamming into each other like steroidal football players, and the next they are sweetly asking to hold each other's hand as they walk to school.

Bite me

What does it say about the state of my existence when I call to set up an appointment with a life coach and they never call me back?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Clearly not a soccer mom

The boy child is signed up for soccer. After waiting in line for two hours (!) to sign him up (disorganized, much?) and signing away half a year's salary on registration and uniform fees, not to mention having to commit myself to as yet unmentioned volunteer activities or lose a kidney, his games have begun.

We got to the first one and didn't realize shorts did not come with the uniforms they were handing out - "Sorry, honey that you have to play in your jeans! Mama loves you!!"

Sitting through an unending game - "Yay! Honey, good job kicking the ball in the right direction!!"

Missing two practices because they were past his bed time. (Am I a weird parent because my kids have always had a regular bedtime allowing them to get a good night's sleep? They are in bed by 7 p.m. and up by 7 a.m.)

Missing the last game because we read the schedule wrong. "Sorry, Dude. My bad."

Having to pay to watch each of his games (?!). Really? We are talking six year olds here.

I am just not sure I am going to get the hang of this. But embrace it I must.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


work day


another pay cheque earned

Friday, November 6, 2009

Off I go to buy a lotto ticket

When does something become a phenomenon?

I wonder this as I reflect on seven years of less than stellar work experiences. I also wonder at the amount of time I have put in doing things I was unhappy doing, being harassed and humiliated by people I wouldn't pass the time of day with if they hadn't been in charge of me and I hadn't need a pay cheque.

I find it quite remarkable that so many people in positions of power over other people do such a lousy job of managing their employees responsibly and reasonably well. Have we become so self centered and care worn here in North America that we must resort to belittling, incidious behaviour toward the people who support us in what we do?

I am so tired of this shit. I am tired of not getting recognition for the work I do well, for being disrespected on a daily basis, for the petty criticisms, the sexism, of being made to feel stupid.

Are there no good workplaces out there? From what I have encountered the answer, sadly, is no.


I so love it when I spend two days working on a proposal and my boss not only claims it as his own work but does not even bother thanking me for doing it for him.

My thought balloon has swears in it right now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Built to last

Another IKEA story so soon you say?

When we renovated our house seven years ago we decided the cost effective (i.e. cheaper) thing would be to put in IKEA cupboards in the kitchen. And hell, while we were at it let's get the IKEA sink and faucet, too! One stop shopping is so convenient.


It turns out that IKEA stuff is not made to last. I know, hey? Totally surprising.

Seven years later I find myself with chipped formally attractive white cupboards (can you say get me another bottle of whiteout?) and even worse, kitchen taps and a sink that no plumber wants to touch.

We currently have a drip that we had to phone four places to get a plumber to come fix. Whenever we said IKEA they said no way they wouldn't come and fix it.

In order to woo a plumber I decided to not mention that darn Swedish word. The first guy they sent over was GIANT PLUMBER and he couldn't fit into the cupboard to fix the faucet. Skinny guy plumber came next and thankfully offered to fix the faucet.

I loved him from the beginning because he said, "IKEA stuff is junk, but here's what I'll do. I will replace the old parts with the new parts (from the extra faucet I bought at IKEA for $119 just to be safe) and put the old parts in the new faucet so you can return it and get your money back."

Ah, just my kind of twisted revenge.

In the end he had to replace the entire faucet because he couldn't get the old one apart (Of course not. That would have made things easy.). I will just have to trot into IKEA with the broken bits and demand my money back after all. IKEA you can suck it!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The beauty and mystery of living in northern Canada

From today's paper:

Mating wildlife poses a significant threat to drivers during the month of November. The erratic behaviour of moose and deer during this amorous season can be blamed for countless collisions every year. Extra caution should be observed when animal migration occurs, at dusk and twilight.

(and when the bars close)

Monday, November 2, 2009

And another thing

Who the hell planned Halloween and the time change to happen one right after the other?!

Between the vibrating sugar rushes and following BIG crashes, combined with the mixed up sleep schedules ("No, dear. It's not 6, it's FIVE A.M. new time" and the evening "No dear, it's not six o'clock, it's really seven o'clock in old time and therefore bedtime") my sweet babes turned into grumpy ghouls.

Next time, as I tell my kids, talk to a parent first!

And all I wanted was a light bulb

I went to IKEA the other night. It was an hour before closing and I cavalierly thought I could just dash in and get the two things I needed and be out within 20 minutes. HA!

Have you been to IKEA, lately? The one I go to has changed its upstairs to resemble some sort of complex maze of kitchenware and sofas. Each time I turned a corner after following the happy, helpful blue and yellow signs bearing the hopeful message: "Exit this way!" I was confronted with yet another clever way to display my flugblava. I felt more and more twisted upon myself with each corner I turned. After about the 5th dead end/wrong turn I clutched my hair in futility and desparately sobbed: "I just want to see my family again!"

And that's how the helpful blond man in the cheery yellow shirt found me - a weeping heap stylishly arranged on a turgbloma. He threw me in one of those convenient big blue shopping bags and hauled my sorry ass to the exit.