Friday, April 24, 2009

Note to Big Boss

Just because you are nearly seventy, married to someone at least half your age, have a two year-old and another kid on the way, doesn't mean you can talk to your staff like your toddler:

"Bad employee! Bad!! Bad!! Yuck! Do better work!!!!"

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Stand off

Dear God we Canadians are far too polite. Already this morning, I participated in a living example of this phenomenon.

When the bus pulled up, I gestured to the person beside me to go ahead of me. They smiled and shook their head and gestured for me to go first. This silent politeness ballet went on back and forth for seconds until finally, as inevitably happens, we both reluctantly decided at the same time to take the other person up on their offer and ended up squishing together as we tried to get through the door at the same time. (I believe that was God's way of figuratively clanging our befuddled heads together).

Sheesh (which surprisingly is also the sound we made as we banged together).


SOOO much excitement in my house this morning (like 4 a.m.). Not only did the Tooth Fairy visit last night (bringing with her 60 cents!! in exchange for a front tooth), but it is also the 6th birthday of two special pumpkins. Boy child climbed into bed with me at some point last night and proceeded to wake up every hour on the hour to alert me of the big day (like I could forget).

Little known fact: Apparently once you have small children you will never, ever, ever sleep with your partner again. You are instead destined to drift nightly from bed to small (very small) bed.


I am neither fit nor fat and the way my pants hang off my ass proves it. Too small for the 10's, too big for the 12's. Sigh.

Monday, April 6, 2009

How sweet it is

Saturday afternoon: 45 games of Go Fish! in a row with my sweet baby girl. Every single hand joyfully played, matching purple rhinocerous mommies with their babies, and pink piglets with their parents as the sun streamed in the window.

Life doesn't get any better than that.

Friday, April 3, 2009

They're not all bad

Even though they are big, heavy, and get in the way when I sleep, my breasts on occasion do come in handy.

More than once when removing my bra/engineering miracle, I have heard the sound of something falling to the floor. When I look down to confirm that it wasn't a nipple, I usually discover that a) pocket change, b) a piece of popcorn, or c) something else I thought had disappeared forever had in fact landed inside the safe chasm of my coconuts.

Writing and what not

(Attempting to get back into writing again by creating character sketches.)

It was like she had used the flesh of her right arm as a sketch pad – doodling layer upon layer of indelible pictures over the entire sleeve of her skin. Peering more closely at these seemingly unrelated tats reveals the history of a life lived – the I-don’t-give-a-shit, exuberant branding of young adulthood; the visual reclaiming of scarred intimate territory; and the markings of middle aged milestones. This woman literally wore her story and looked comfortable in the skin of that tale.

A teenage girl in skinny jeans and a flaming orange hoodie that engulfed her torso carefully made her way down the ice and snow covered sidewalk, her thin body tilted slightly to the right as she attempted to balance a bulk of school books in one hand and incongruently holding a fat gray pigeon in the palm of the other, arm outstretched as though royally presenting the dirty street urchin to passersby.

The woman’s bulk prevented her from fully embracing her friend. Her arms, grotesquely extending from her massive sides, looked like fat, leafless branches protruding from a topped tree. The friend awkwardly leaned into her, arms barely skirting the woman’s wide frontage.


We have some very high priced equipment in our office. On an average day, two enormous photocopiers continually spew various and sundry reports. People anxiously hover around these machines waiting for their regurgitations, like anxious parents waiting for their constipated baby to make a poo.

What kills me is that the cost of these machines does not equate with their ability to perform the operations we ask of them. That is, we paid XXXX dollars for you, you GD machine, why can't you work for more than one week at a time without breaking down??!!

Reoccurring theme

Seriously, what is it about people not staying on their side of the sidewalk? To my mind it is just like the road, stay to the right!

Don't come barrelling at me as though you are driving on the wrong side of the street and then give me THE LOOK when you nearly hit me or when you do hit me. WTF?

FYI, I do have sharp elbows and a heavy bag and I do know how to use them. Think Roller Derby.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

4 shelves

We ordered four shelves with glass doors on them to act as display cases in the main foyer of our office. They came in pieces, not unlike IKEA shelves, only made of nicer and sturdier materials.

It has taken two dudes THE ENTIRE DAY to assemble them. They started at 9 a.m. and it is 3:30 p.m. and they are still not done. Apparently we are paying them by the hour.

Even I can assemble four shelves more quickly and have done so, with instructions entirely written in Swedish.

Dangerous Days

It's that flirtatious time of year here in northern Alberta. We get super warm days (to us +4 C is warm!) where the copious amounts of snow slowly start to melt and the ground! shows through the slush and mush.

Like a new lover the warmth encourages us to shed our clothes - off go the gloves and hats and coats and we start to think that our true love spring is finally here! But then the cold reality of the relationship hits. Just as suddenly as we became love struck we go back to the misery of cold days and huge dumps of snow that dampen our feelings and make us question our lover's affections.

Head out on to the streets of Edmonton in spring and you'll either see people swept up in sweet, delusional amour wearing too little on freezing cold days, or others padding themselves from love's potential hurt by wearing big puffy jackets on the warmest days of spring.

Touched by a...

Flash back to a month ago. Piles of snow everywhere. Our car stuffed full of us is pulling into the dog park parking lot. L and I spy a dude in a big ass 4x4 truck stuck up on a snow bank.

Without a thought, us little 5-foot nuthins hop out of our car and quite easily push him out. Rather chagrined that women folk have assisted him, he thanks us profusely.

Not sure that was the long dreamed of lesbian fantasy he had been hoping for.


Riding on the bus this morning, sitting behind a mom and her three year old. I forgot how much fun something as seemingly inane as pulling the cord for the next stop can be for a little kid.

Next time, when it's my turn to pull the cord, I am going to appreciate that every day moment.