job hunting blues

I had another job interview yesterday. God, it's hard on a body to get psyched up, feel butterflies in the stomach 24 hours beforehand, in the interview, and afterward wanting to hurl those beauties out.

The nerves just absolutely take me over and I have an out of body experience when I am in the interview. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't and think "This is such an artificial process why not let them see the real me flaws and all (I don't usually get those jobs)."

Interviews are funny things. It's like I put on my gold lame tap shoes and do the little dance of me in front of a deadpan audience and then exit the stage to no applause or booing - just unemotional, unblinking stares from strangers who are viewing and judging every move I make.

After they interview me, I always wish that I could grill them. Ask them, "Why should I work for you? What do you have to offer me? What qualifies you to judge me on a one hour interview and a few words on paper?" Make them do the dance of their lives.

F.

I feel so lost and directionless when it comes to my future professional career. I was driving home from dropping the kids off at school and the thought came to me that maybe I should do something completely different like train to work at an old folks home. Something about honouring those that came before. I feel out of touch with that generation. Maybe changing their poopie diapers would help me achieve that...see? I am crazy now. It's official.

??

These days I feel like I am in a dream. Things are happening around me and I am on the sidelines waving my hands trying to be seen.

I drive through the downtown on a weekday and see everyone rushing around to their jobs and feel envy. I never thought I would. Things are so topsy turvy not having a job. Didn't think I could sustain doing the limbo for this long. Feels like the bar is so low that I have to bend farther and farther back each time to get under to reach the other side where things are good and clear and somehow better. But are they? Or will I just get an aching back? So confused.

I know the universe is trying to tell me something in this period of stasis: "Lady, you don't have a job right now because you need to learn A,B,C." But what the F are A,B,C? Answers, please. Universe? Are you there? The answer can't just be that I need to vaccum the house twice a week and learn new and delicious slow cooker recipes.

Frig.

and some such

Dear Sweet Blog - how I have neglected you so. I will try to give you the full attention you deserve from this day forward amen.

A few ramblings...

Been nursing a skin-and-bones, rack-of-ribs cat back to health. Buster the Feather Duster quit eating a week or more ago and as we practically weighed the options of taking him to the vet (where bills are expensive) or trying to cure him ourselves it became evident urgent action was necessary. So off to the vet we (me and he) went where we spent the better part of 2 hours waiting for a vet who had an emergency crop up in the back. Another poor beast kept going into cardiac arrest as we waited. The poor thing had died by the time we’d finally been seen. And weirdly the vet gave us a discount for having to wait so long.

My feline may have kidney failure or an infection. The only way to really tell is to spend lots more on tests. We don’t have lots more to spend so we are nursing him at home with freshly cooked whizzed up liver syringed into his clamped down jaws. It’s a sensory experience. So stinky and most of it seems to get shot all over me (even down my cleavage once) and not into said cat’s lips.

The good news is he has started to eat again and is getting his little belly back.

In other news, I am my own psychological mess these days and am trying not to get any on my kids. I have obviously failed at this. Why just this morning as I was chatting to boy child about why he would be going to after school care (“Mama is hoping to get a job soon and then…”) when he interrupted with “And then you will be happy?” Sigh. Frig.

Not weird after all

Classmate of Girl Child to me: "(Girl Child) has two moms? I'm sooo confused."

Me: "Yup! There are all kinds of families!!"

Harried 8-month pregnant teacher quietly in the background: "Sometimes I wish I had two moms."

Blah

Day two of official unemployment. It is 11 a.m. and I am still not showered and dressed. Wore my pajamas and bed head to take boy child to school. Motivation for the day's activities? Zero.

My plans include seeing how long I can go without showering and attempting to grow my leg hair long enough to braid - two things I should be able to accomplish without much effort. What? I have to breathe again?

My little man

Boy child's school sets up "Santa's Workshop" in the school gymnasium every Christmas. Each kid gets to go there to "buy" a present for their folks. (Don't get me started on the imprinting of commercialism on the minds of small children).

Anyway, parents donate crap, I mean, stuff that they want to get rid of, I mean, re-gift to other unsuspecting, I mean, appreciative parents.

Boy child came home with a present for his moms one day and actually managed to keep it a secret until Christmas! We thought it was going to be stinky perfume but it turned out to be a cute gift that we would have probably actually bought for ourselves. We were some surprised and thanked him quite effusively.

Bolstered by our positive response, he proudly announced that he had "just walked in the door and randomly picked something off the table! I was done in like 10 seconds!" Such thought, such care, such a guy.

Reminds me of my father's efforts at Christmas. As us kids got older and moved out he started a tradition of shopping at London Drugs at 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve. All three of us and my mom would end up with the same randomly selected (okay, not random. There had to be at least four on the shelf) sandwich maker, hand vac, or nose hair trimmer. I used to quietly return them and get the cash - the perfect gift for a poor university student.

Thank you Mr. Disney

My little daughter has a wonderous imagination and creativity beyond belief. And a memory like you can't imagine. One of her most favourite things to do is re-create characters and scenes from books and movies she loves to read and watch again and agin. And she does this involving the whole family. And this is where I want to thank Walt Disney, for of late, I have been known around the house as Lady and Tramp - although I guess it could be worse, I could be Lady the Tramp which would only bring back memories best left be.

For the record

I just want to say in this very public forum that just so you all know I am not one of those people who holds conversations from the toilet stall.

So, if you are my co-worker and want to know if I got your email you will just have to wait until I've finished my number two!

If you are my child and want to know if I will play with you, please dear, give mama some privacy (and dignity) first and close the door!

And if you are my dear spouse and we are having a conversation about the day's events that goes double for you especially if you are the one on the toilet and I happen to be innocently brushing my teeth when you come in to use the facilities. I can wait until you are done to find out what we are having for dinner.

Not lovin' it

Argh.

I ventured out and tried a new coffee shop this morning. Yes, I am back on caffeine. Your point?

Okay, the cute girl handing out free breakfast bars kinda had something to do with it. Anyway, my point is if you are a new restaurant and you are handing out free coffee to attract new customers can you please make sure it is good coffee and not organic piss water?

This does not make my day start out very happy. And look, I can't even write a sensical blog post. I mean, is sensical even a word?

I feel like I am walking around the office with bedhead because thanks to this experience I am still half asleep!

While shopping

Elderly female patron growing louder by the moment as she shouts: "Masking tape! I said I need masking tape!"

Bewildered Philipino store clerk at whom she is shouting: "You want Scotch tape?"

Now angry elderly female patron: "Don't you understand English?!"

Me standing in the aisle watching and listening to this scene play out thinking and wanting to say out loud to the bitchy senior: "Perhaps it's Old Racist Biddy she doesn't understand."

Did you know?

You can get mortuary supplies on ebay? In case you are looking to do a little embalming at home.

Multi-use Christmas card sentiment

For all of those you love and love to hate:

"I hope you get what you deserve this holiday season!"

Why I became a lesbian

Reason #581

I am surrounded by pricks all day, I don't need one in my bed at night.

Dear CEO

Does it make you feel big to make me feel small?

Nearly Normal

As one of the moms of a 6 year old twin boy and girl who have seen more than their fair share of doctors' and therapists' and psychiatrists' offices in their little lives, I often wonder from the sidelines what it would be like to have a "normal" existence with our kids.

Okay, admittedly a couple of things set our family apart from the get go. First, we are an adoptive family - no less a family than anyone else's - but differently made. And my partner and I are both women, so there are two moms and no dads in this picture.

One of our children struggles with mental health issues and we struggle along with them. It's not easy riding the highs and lows and rationalizing the use of medication on a small child to address this. The other child has a chronic health issue. There have been surgeries, a million tests, specialists galore, x-rays beyond counting, recurring episodes of pneumonia and more pokes and prods than any one person deserves. And still we are figuring out the puzzle of this child.

Being different breeds isolation and it sets us apart. Few people understand what we truly live. We have little familial support so it is all on me and my partner to sort it out and ride it out the best that we can.

Our life is one of ensuring enough food gets into one kid via mouth or a gastric feeding tube and making sure the other is properly medicated each day. We must balance our home lives with our work lives and somehow manage and attend the myriad of appointments required to keep both of the kids ship shape.

Health is one issue. Proper schooling another. Now that they are 6 we have to fight to find the right learning environment for each of them to be sure they get the best opportunity they can to have their special needs met. Not an easy task when they are both on the cusp and therefore not eligible for the funding they truly need to ensure the proper supports are available to them in the classroom.

There are people out there with far worse than us to bear, but it is still not easy being green as the great Kermit the Frog once said.

And then there is the intimate relationship between my partner and I to maintain. Is that even a realistic goal when most of our time spent together is used to trade information and coordination of effort to ensure the kids are doing okay? I know this is what most parents of small children experience but when you throw in all of the other complications and feelings that as a parent you have somehow failed because your children aren't "normal" it is a burden that is sometimes very hard to bear.

When I fall into bed at night, it is not with my partner. It is with a kid who needs all of the loving they can get to ensure they are happy little beings. Bedtime for me means trying to sleep through the night without a kid waking me with one need or another and battling my own demons in those lone early hours when stress and worry come to linger.

People tell us all the time that we are amazing. We are not. We are nearly normal people who are doing what anyone would do for their children if they had to.

Before I was a parent I used to look at parents with other than normal children and think "There is no way I could do that." But you know what? I can and I do because there is no not doing.

At the end of the day, I have two fantastic kids who are strong and brave and loving and smart and as healthy as they can be.

Can't figure them out

Little boys of the six-year-old variety are a constant wonder to me. One minute they are slamming into each other like steroidal football players, and the next they are sweetly asking to hold each other's hand as they walk to school.

Bite me

What does it say about the state of my existence when I call to set up an appointment with a life coach and they never call me back?

Clearly not a soccer mom

The boy child is signed up for soccer. After waiting in line for two hours (!) to sign him up (disorganized, much?) and signing away half a year's salary on registration and uniform fees, not to mention having to commit myself to as yet unmentioned volunteer activities or lose a kidney, his games have begun.

We got to the first one and didn't realize shorts did not come with the uniforms they were handing out - "Sorry, honey that you have to play in your jeans! Mama loves you!!"

Sitting through an unending game - "Yay! Honey, good job kicking the ball in the right direction!!"

Missing two practices because they were past his bed time. (Am I a weird parent because my kids have always had a regular bedtime allowing them to get a good night's sleep? They are in bed by 7 p.m. and up by 7 a.m.)

Missing the last game because we read the schedule wrong. "Sorry, Dude. My bad."

Having to pay to watch each of his games (?!). Really? We are talking six year olds here.

I am just not sure I am going to get the hang of this. But embrace it I must.

bah

work day

endure/withhold/subvert/exhale

another pay cheque earned

Off I go to buy a lotto ticket

When does something become a phenomenon?

I wonder this as I reflect on seven years of less than stellar work experiences. I also wonder at the amount of time I have put in doing things I was unhappy doing, being harassed and humiliated by people I wouldn't pass the time of day with if they hadn't been in charge of me and I hadn't need a pay cheque.

I find it quite remarkable that so many people in positions of power over other people do such a lousy job of managing their employees responsibly and reasonably well. Have we become so self centered and care worn here in North America that we must resort to belittling, incidious behaviour toward the people who support us in what we do?

I am so tired of this shit. I am tired of not getting recognition for the work I do well, for being disrespected on a daily basis, for the petty criticisms, the sexism, of being made to feel stupid.

Are there no good workplaces out there? From what I have encountered the answer, sadly, is no.